The New Columns

Anders Gets Trolled

Anders Umholtz

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Not to be confused with Dreamworks’ Trolls, The Trolley, or Troll 2, Trolled is a masterpiece of modern film. The opus of bootleg-movie-making company WowNOW, this work presents quite possibly the most significant breakthrough in animation since Avatar. To call the royalty-free-music-loaded score tear jerking would be a travesty. The English overdub rivals the greatest accomplishments of Twain, Hemingway, and Shakespeare, with quotes like “How can I settle down if I never take off?”, “How’s your tail hanging?”, “What happens in Blackthorn Forest stays in Blackthorn Forest,” “Dragon sighted in forest airspace,” “You’ll meet the gallows for this,” and “We’re gonna get trolled!” bringing the entirety of my living room audience to tears. While the incisive social commentary of the low-quality 3D environments of drastically different art styles being used repeatedly for scenes that are supposed to be taking place in separate locations was breathtaking, I was more intrigued by the choice of the creators to not animate any characters that weren’t speaking, instead leaving them in their default, unmoving, widely-grinning positions– especially during the more tragic scenes, like the king being dissolved out of thin air. Memorable lines like “You overgrown iguana” and “You overstuffed handbag” could be directed at both the clumsy dragon and our modern-day, commodified society with equal accuracy. The movie contrasts its lighter writing and animation style with uncharacteristically profound statements, like the hero, Leif, who dropped this bomb: “Sometimes, when wounds don’t heal and we focus on lashing out at sometroll [somebody] who’s wronged us, we get stuck in the past, then we hurt ourselves as much as anytroll we try to get back at.” Wow. My fellow viewers also noted that the fairy godtrollmother’s Jewish accent was impeccably to stereotype. I’d rather not spoil the genre-defining plot, so set aside a couple days for this one as soon as possible– the film is a concise 85 minutes, but you’ll need the better part of a week to reflect on and cope with the experience. While Trolled is unavailable at retailers or most online streaming services, if you know where to look on the internet, you’ll find it. Nay, it will find you.

WowNOW has many other motion pictures, including, but most definitely not limited to: Haunted Transylvania 2, Jurassic Bark, Kötü Kedi Şerafettin (Turkish for “the bad cat”), and The Steam Engines of Oz. Maybe the next edition of the New Columns will include one of them…

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Anders Gets Trolled